Secret 1: Real Men Fear Rejection -- Really!
Most men feel that women r very critical of them, & they worry that if they do open up, someone's going to laugh at them, leaving them rejected & humiliated. It's important for women to realize that a man's EGO & sense of identity are generally more fragile than hers & more easily threatened.
Not judging ur partner means allowing him to say wat is on his mind, & simply being willing to hear it. This does not mean tat u don't have an opinion or tat u can't offer it at some point. In order for him open up to u, he has to feel truly accepted for who he is, not for who u may want him to be. Be patient with him.
If u respond to his thoughts by immediately offering ur pt of view with something like "Well, that's wrong. I don't agree" or, "Where did you get a crazy idea like that?" any man is going to clam right up. They're afraid if they say something too personal, it may not fit into the image you have of them, or the image they force themselves to project.
Don't be afraid to allow him to show you all different parts of himself. If u can let go of ur expectations & really just try to find out who he is, he will immediately sense it, feel greatly at ease & enjoy talking to u.
Secret 2: Reveal Yourself As Well
Everybody has problems, fears & skeletons in the closet. Many guys think, "If I share this, she'll leave me." You've to show that this is not the case by revealing something abt urself that shows u've as much trust in him as he has in u.
When he starts to open up, listen to what he is saying, then take a step beyond & offer something positive in return. After he tells u something personal, say something like, "Well, that's not so bad. I've done worse." Or, "I really admire this abt wat happened" & pick something in the story u really do admire. (Don't make this up, though. It will fall flat & turn into manipulation. Pple always know when they r being manipulated on some lvl & it never works out.) Let him know u're on his team, tat he is not alone with his experience.
Many women listen to the stories that men tell only to respond by telling him how he's been looking at it wrong.
When two people are making friends, they share their common experiences mutually and, because of that, experience closeness and comfort. I
t's amazing how many men feel tremendously alone. Not only have they been trained for silence, taught that it is unmanly to express what they are going through, they usually don't get feedback from the guys in their world. Ur honest & positive feedback is vital. If u bond in this way, ur partner will feel there is some1 there who understands them & open up even more.
Secret 3: Let Go of the Past
Have u ever have a discussion where it turning into a litany of past grievances??? When a man fears tat his words will later b distorted, misunderstood, told to others or thrown back at him, it is impossible for him to open up. & the only way to move beyond this communication trap is to realize tat watever happened in e past, watever ur ex did or said, u were involved as well. Meaning, no one is entirely gd & no one entirely bad. In fact, rather than seeing any1 as gd or bad, it is more useful to notice the roles being played in the r/s & the ways in which all of us become stuck in patterns that we don't know how to get out of.
For example, some women love playing the victim or martyr. They need the blame of the r/s in order to validate their own feelings & feel powerful over their partner. In fact, they may hold a man to them in this way for a while. But it's a sure sign tat e communication has completely closed down & the r/s is on the rocks.
If u want to avoid or change this sorry state of affairs and help him speak to u openly, try this. Take responsibility 4 ur part in the situation & C the ways in which u might have contributed to wat happened. This does not mean blaming yourself, either. Just to look at the situation with a large eye. Focus on all the things he did "right," not "wrong." If u need more direction here, take out ur journal & make lists of wat u've received from the r/s & wat u've given in return. Notice times when u were also less than perfect, & notice the ways in which both of u've grown & changed.
The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing tat wat was true a year ago abt him (and abt yourself as well) may not be true now. Stay focused in the present. True communication requires the ability to remain in the present and to let the past be over when it's done.
Secret 4: Become a Solid -- and Secure -- Listener
Is it even possible to have honest r/s? The assumption is tat everybody's going to be honest. The truth is, few people are. & the main reason tat pple are dishonest is tat the consequences r too big. Many men feel that women want & need to be lied to b'cos they can't take the honest truth. Some guys fear telling their partner wat is really going on in their lives, or how they truly feel b'cos it will upset her. In fact, many women use their emotions to control men -- & ctrl the r/s. They demand certain responses from men, and feel devastated if they don't get them. Then they're surprised when he shuts down and doesn't talk.
Unfortunately, many women also have strong images of how a man is "supposed" to feel, and think. That kind of fantasy makes the truth devastating, so they let the man know in many subtle ways that they do not want it. Sound familiar? We're all guilty of this from time to time, but being willing to listen to what he has to say is the beginning of a truly mature r/s. It gives the man the feeling that he has a solid partner who will be there with him through thick and thin.
If you're ready to break out of this unrealistic rut, it's time to ask urself 3 things.
1) How much of the truth you can tolerate?
2) How much do you really want?
3) Do u wan ur man 2 b a fantasy figure 4 u, or allow him 2 become REAL?
These are huge questions. Perhaps you cannot take all of the truth at once right now, but u can certainly build up ur tolerance muscles & move in that direction.
Oddly enough, we all think tat fantasy makes us feel wonderful, but in fact, the more reality we can take, the stronger we grow. The ability to accept honesty from others increases as we realize that true security comes not from the approval of others but from being true to ourselves.
Secret 5: Be True to Yourself -- Be Aware
It's an old question but a gd one.
How can we be true to another if we aren't true to ourselves?
The best way to help a man open up is simply to be open urself, be natural, be real and exude an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance. Those who we encounter in life are mirrors of different parts of ourselves and we attract certain people who each help us love another part of ourselves.
This is why it's important to apply the five secrets covered here not only to the men in our lives but also to ourselves.
When u treat yourself this way, it is only natural to do the same thing to ur partner. If when young u were always scolded or made to feel inadequate in some way, you are likely to act the same way toward your man.
Awareness is crucial here. If u want to create a more open dynamic between ur partner & urself, take a strong inventory of the way u treat & regard urself & the way u were treated by the significant others of ur past. If u were hurt, this is ur chance to make a decision to not live ur life on automatic-pilot-of-the-past anymore. Turn it around. Decide to be kind & accepting, both of urself & to the one u're with.
Sometimes we give in to another in the expectation of receiving the same in return. When that doesn't happen, silent fury starts to build. That is behaving with an agenda, giving mixed messages and not being true to another or urself. In order to give of urself truly, you have to realize that you "get" as much out of giving as out of receiving.
When you give the other unconditional respect and regard, you are giving that to yourself as well.
You are behaving in the best way possible, and the fine effects always reverberate back. When you treat others in a way you respect, you are building a sense of value and worth.
If your partner doesn't reciprocate, you won't have to feel like it's your failing or loss. Instead you will easily move on to someone who is more like you.
The bottom line: Be true to yourself and you will find that it is contagious. The men (and women) you are with will start to behave the same way. They will communicate openly and naturally, not with a fixed agenda, not to manipulate or control. If they don't behave this way, they will naturally move out of your life -- to a place that is more appropriate for them.
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