Just finished this book by Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D "The Real Rules"(Click on the main title for a link) talking about dating rules to find the right man for you. Interesting read. It dispute some old rules of dating from our mother's time like acting hard to catch, have to maintain mysterious to capture a man's heart etc etc. In place, she established a new set of rules that most women now would agree more on. At least I do.
I especially like the Chapter on "4 stages of commitments in a relationship". That basically sums up what I was trying to do and boy am I glad that someone thinks the same way too.
Sometimes when a woman wants a commitment from a man, it not necessary mean marriage.
Commitment level #1 : Commitment to be sexually and emotionally monogamous
Time line: 0 - 3 mths
Basically means exclusive dating. Meaning you dun sleep around and have other intimate relationship with another person
Commitment level #2 : Commitment to work towards a partnership
Time line: 3 - 6 mths
This stage is called A Developing Relationship
When you feel:
- Your relationship is getting better and better
- You are sharing most aspects of your time and life together
- You are starting to think as a "we"
Agreements you and your partner should make includes:
- You and your partner agree that your relationship is special and worth nurturing
- You and your partner agree that your relationship has the potential to be a lasting partnership
- You and your partner agree to work together through honestly communicating feelings, looking at your own blocks to intimacy, and learning to understand one and other in order to create that potential lasting partnership
Time line: 6 mths to however long you need
The time spend on this level is up to individual and couple. On the age and their relationship experience. Those younger need a longer time while those in their 30s and with relative experience and know what they want may spend a shorter time at this level. This is where a couple builds their foundation.
You are ready for a Level 3 commitment when
- You have created a strong and healthy partnership that is functioning well most of the time
- You feel sure that you want to spend your future together, if not for the rest of your life
- You have no desire to investigate anyone else as a possible partner
- You feel totally loved and appreciated by your partner almost all the time
- You and your partner agree that you want to spend your future together
- You and your partner agree to formalise your commitment by either:
- becoming engaged to be married
- planning on becoming engaged as soon as you can
- deciding to live together - You and your partner agree to continue working on yourselves and the relationship in order to eliminate any remaining doubts or obstacles to a successful lifetime commitment
You are ready for a Level 4 commitment i.e Marriage
When:
- You've had a Level 3 commitment for some time (engaged, living together etc) and have worked through whatever circumstantial obstacles or emotional issues were in your way.
- You have total trust and faith in your relationship and its ability to continue to grow as well as survive whatever adversity it faces
- You feel excited about exploring deeper levels of love, intimacy, and surrender with your partner
- You are sure that you and your partner have enough compatibility to be "right" for each other
If your partner does not agree to any of these or that when you are ready for a higher level of commitment but not him/her, then maybe it is time to move on.
You may think it is not at all romantic to have to go thru all these steps and thots. Shouldn't marriage or THE ONE come naturally? Like whistles and bells and you know instantly when you meet the right one? I would love that too.... but I think you have to love with both your heart and head. That will minimise a lot of heartaches later.
Sure glad that is my COA too...^^
Maybe I can write a book too......hmmmm
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